Purging or Cleaning Out Our Closet

Why "Purging" Never Works

How many of us have cleaned out our closets and purged all of our women's clothes, shoes, wigs, jewelry, and makeup at least one time?  How many of us resumed our transformation activities?  How many of us are permanently "cured"?

My first purge happened about a week before my wedding.  I thought that marriage would "cure" me forever.  It was probably about six months before I resumed.

A common definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.  The few times I have purged, I expected that the purge would permanently "cure" me but it never happened.

There are many reasons why we purge.  A marriage or a new relationship often triggers a purge partly due to the expectation of being "cured" or maybe the inability or fear to disclose a part of ourselves that should be disclosed. Sometimes a purge comes from a wife threatening a divorce or a girlfriend's threat to end the relationship. I have encountered several of these ultimatums over the years.  "Are your clothes more important than me?" My responses to these ultimatums were to unhook from several long-term relationships when our discussions failed to reach an agreement or compromise.

I don't think that researchers or therapists have ever asked WHY purging does not work.  Generally, the common belief is that crossdressing cannot be "cured" and it is NOT an addiction.  There has to be a GOOD reason WHY purging doesn't work.

In my opinion, here is why purging does not work:

Today's society has certain "rules", maybe "expectations" might be a better word, about men transforming themselves into women.  Generally, society is okay with men dressing as women for actors portraying women in movies or theatrical performances, wearing a Halloween costume (occasionally), or a "beautyless" pageant or event.  Outside of these, most people believe that men who transform themselves into women is unacceptable.  Reactions run from acceptance to revulsion.  Most people cannot understand why we do what we do, no matter how much education and outreach is done by us. (People can be accepting without understanding.)

One common belief we have (the CD/TG community) is that it is perfectly acceptable at any time for a man to transform himself into a woman, temporarily or permanently, with or without hormones, with or without surgeries.  Years ago someone said to me, "For crossdressers, Halloween is every day."  In other words, many people consider crossdressing not acceptable unless it is Halloween.

Now what about purging?  Let's say that I am in a relationship and I've received an ultimatum and I need to throw away or donate EVERYTHING immediately, no exceptions. Due to the extreme external pressure, everything is cleaned out from my closet.  Now the relationship is supposed to be filled with happiness and joy (and "normal")!

However, according to most research, purges do not work.  Maybe with an empty closet, the desire has been removed so victory can be declared. We all know what will happen sooner or later! The only question is "Will it be 'sooner' or 'later'?"

Doesn't an empty closet demonstrate the "cure"?  NO!

Why not? In a purge, one thing is retained. It is the belief, the interior disposition, that it is okay and perfectly acceptable for men to transform themselves into women at any time for any reason.  Therefore, it is okay and acceptable for me to transform myself into a woman at any time. My purge will not be successful because I will continue to believe this.

For my purge to be successful, there needs to be a fundamental change in my belief that it is NOT acceptable for a man to dress as a woman if it isn't Halloween.

For example, I do not consider crossdressing or living as a woman as being sinful.  Many people (including my ex-spouse) consider crossdressing as sinful. If I continue to believe that crossdressing is not sinful after a purge, my purge will not be successful.  For my purge to be successful, I need to affirm and believe that crossdressing is sinful for me and others.

There may be some men in the community who believe that crossdressing is sinful but they still crossdress. The sinfulness causes shame and guilt and potentially triggers repeated purges.

I have been in a relationship where my girlfriend thought that crossdressing was okay with her. However, it was NOT acceptable for me as her boyfriend. (NIMFF -- Not in my family or friends)
 
My recommendation to anyone considering to purge is to examine and question their fundamental beliefs and if they continue to believe that crossdressing is okay, then do NOT purge.  If the pressure to purge is external, that is from a spouse or partner, then I think there should be an honest discussion about one's fundamental beliefs and why purges rarely work.
 

AMA #3 -- Advice on choosing and buying wigs?

Ask Me Anything #3

Do you have any advice on choosing and buying wigs?

I purchased my first wig from an advertisement in a newspaper.  I think it cost only $15 or $20. I was  very happy that I finally had a wig!  Unfortunately, it was horrible!  I don't know what it was made of but it looked like a mess after wearing it several times. My next two wigs were given to me by a friend of mine because he didn't like how he looked wearing them. These two wigs were inexpensive but they held their style through many wearings.

If you've never purchased a wig before, you need to measure your head to determine what size you need. Wigs come in Petite, Average, and Large sizes. Most wigs are Average size. However, you may need a Large size.  

Next, you need to determine exactly what you need in a wig. Are you going to be wearing it every day? Are you going out in public? Are you able to store it without having to hide it somewhere?

It seems like most "first" wigs bought are blond,straight hair down partway to the middle of the back. These wigs may be "sexy", but they are impractical and difficult to maintain.  

Finally, is there a particular style you like? What is your natural hair color? What hairstyles do you see on women your own age?  

Hair styles are classified as Short, Medium, Long and Curly, Wavy, or Straight. Which is right for you? Many on-line vendors of wigs have information to help you determine what styles would look good on you based upon your face shape.  

The reason why you should select wigs having a color close to your own hair is because the color of your eyebrows match the color of your hair. If you buy a wig with a different color than your natural hair, you need to color your eyebrows to look natural. A blonde wig with dark black eyebrows does not look right at all.

On-line vs. Retail

I have purchased wigs both in retail stores and on-line. The advantage of buying a wig in a retail wig store is the ability to try on various wigs before purchasing them. They will be very helpful in determining size, shape, and color that works best for you.  Also, the retailer will do professional styling and shaping for your face before you buy your wig. I have had very good experience and okay experience buying wigs retail. Not all retail wig stores want business from the transgender community. Others are very transgender friendly.  I recommend calling a wig retailer first before going to their store.

On-line Shopping

There are advantages and disadvantages of buying a wig on-line. First, there is almost an infinite number of styles, quality, colors, shapes, and sizes available. Second, the prices are usually lower than retail. There are some disadvantages.  First, what is the vendor's return policy? I have returned or exchanged several wigs and have no problems with the larger on-line vendors.  Second, the color you see on your screen may not match the real color of the wig.  If you plan on purchasing several wigs, I recommend you buy a color swatch from the vender. The swatch has small samples of hair in all the available colors.  This helps you to better match your natural hair color. Third, the wig quality isn't determined by the vendor but rather the wig maker. Several of the larger wig makers have two or more different product lines with similar styles, one inexpensive and the other more expensive. 

Cautions!

First, there are a number of vendors selling wigs on e-Bay. I have purchased several wigs on e-Bay but overall I haven't been very satisfied mostly because what the wig looks like in the picture wasn't exactly what I received. These wigs may be "knock-offs" or similar.  

Second, there are a number of wig retailers selling wigs directly from China. This wigs are often identical copies of retail wigs. I purchased one wig because it was a "Large" size which I couldn't find anywhere else. When I received the wig, it was labeled "Large" on the box and there was a "Large" tag sewn into the cap. However, it was NOT a large wig.  Fortunately, I was able to modify the wig cap to a large size. I won't buy from this vender any more because of deceptive packaging.  

I found one vendor in China that will custom make a wig for you. You need to design everything about your wig, size, cap, type of wig hair, style, color, length, etc. I have not purchased anything from this vendor because I have no idea about the quality of the wig I'm purchasing.  

Accessories

Most vendors have a large inventory of accessories and supplies. I recommend buying wig clips or a hair band to fasten the wig to your head. Depending upon how you will be storing your wig, I recommend buying a styrofoam wig head for when you are not wearing you wig. Buy a good quality wig comb and wig brush. Do NOT use a normal hair brush or comb ever!  I purchased a set of wig combs from Sally's Beauty Supply. The different types of wig combs help with styling wigs in different ways. Finally, there are a number of wig shampoos, wig conditioners, wig sprays of all types.  Some are good while others are a waste. This is where buying a wig retail will help. Remember, you will have to shampoo your wig so be prepared!

Summary

Know what you are looking for before shopping. Check out the vendor whether retail or on-line. Understand the vendor's return/exchange policy. Have fun!   

AMA #2 -- First Time Out In Public

Ask Me Anything #2

When you first went out, was it fully dressed or did you add more over time?

I don't remember the exact date of the first time I went out in public. I think it was sometime during 1991 or 1992. It was an exciting time for me as I had recently met several local crossdressers. For the first time in my life, I was sharing my crossdressing with someone other than my wife. I learned that there were regular monthly local meetings open for anyone CD, TG, or TS. I attended the first several meetings in drab (dressed as a boy).

Even though my wife knew about my crossdressing, there was no way I could change for any of the meetings we had young children at home. Fortunately, one of the crossdressers I had met said that I could change at his house. He went out quite regularly in public sometimes accompanied by his wife. He told me that he and his wife were going out to dinner before the next meeting and I should join them.

I don't remember too much about that night. I was so excited it seemed like there were gallons of adrenaline flow around inside of me.

Of course, I wanted to "pass" if possible. And if I couldn't, I didn't want to embarrass my friend and his wife. I decided on the "professional businesswoman" look for my first excursion in public. The first women's suit I bought had a black skirt, pants, and blazer. I think I bought it from Lane Bryant. When I first started thinking about possibly going out in public, I was worried that it would be difficult to find any women's clothes that would fit me. I had taken my measurements and checked the sizing in the LB catalog. It looked like they had something that would fit me! I quickly wrote up my order and mailed it in with a check. These were the days before the Internet and on-line shopping. Everything was done by mail. When I received my order and tried it on, I was very happy because it fit me perfectly! For my first excursion in public, this was the outfit I wore.  Here is a photo of me taken about the time of my first public outing.

Ready to go!

I actually have kept the outfit I wore that evening. I decided to try it on several days ago to see how I looked. The style and cut of the suit is from the 90's but didn't look too bad. Bowtie blouses are making a comeback.

The Professional Businesswoman

Looking back on my first time going out in public, I did not feel like a man in a dress. I felt very much like a woman. I wanted to appear as a professional businesswoman and I think achieved that goal. I remember my friend's wife telling me that she was surprised at how comfortable I looked and how easily I moved and acted as a woman. In other words, my movement and actions would signal to everyone that I was a woman out to dinner with friends. I truly FELT like a woman going out to dinner. Going out that night was made extra special because the people at the restaurant treated me like a woman.

I don’t remember too much about the dinner or going to the meeting afterwards. The evening was over too quickly.

I have been out in public many times since then. I never had to "add more". I always dressed appropriately for the event or outing. I try to blend in as much as possible. I've never received any bad or rude comments.

My first time out in public as a woman was a watershed moment for me. However, it caused a lot of problems for my marriage. My wife was adamant that I wouldn't go out in public dressed as a woman to which I agreed to in order to keep the peace between us. Instead of working through the problems I was causing, I decided not to tell her anything. Sadly, I became an excellent liar, something I am not very proud of...

AMA #1 -- What's your definition of "tranny," crossdressing?

This is the first question for a new series called "Ask Me Anything" starting with this post.  I have collected a number of questions frequently and not-so-frequently asked of people in the transgender community.  My answers are MY answers and unless I state otherwise, only from me.  Please send me any questions that you think I should answer either in Comments or via email.  Let's begin!

Ask Me Anything #1

What's your definition of "tranny," crossdressing?

For the first question and answer for AMA, here are my definitions of various terms that I use in this blog.  NOTE: These definitions may not be the same as yours.  I am not saying that my definitions are right and all others are wrong.  I post my definitions so that you can understand how I am communicating.

• MtF -- Male to Female -- This indicates the direction of someone changing their appearance, body, or way of life.  
• FtM -- Female to Male -- This indicates the direction of someone changing their appearance, body, or way of life.  
• MtT -- This is a recent term indicating a man changing to a transgender person.  This is used to reflect the reality that a male cannot become a female due to his DNA.
• Crossdresser (CD) -- A man who wears women's clothes, makeup, and accessories to appear like a woman.
• Transvestite (TV)  -- There are multiple definitions for this term.  It is often used in Britain to mean the same as crossdresser.  In the US, this term is used to describe crossdressing for sexual purposes or as a fetish. (Slang: "tranny")
• Transgender (TG) -- This term has many definitions.  Many years ago "transgender" was used as an umbrella term for anyone who is "trans-".  Because this definition was somewhat vague, over time this definition has been refined.  Today, sometimes "transgender" is used instead of "transsexual".
• Transgender Woman -- MtF or MtT -- A person born male, identifying, appearing or living as a woman.
• Transgender Man -- FtM or FtT -- A person born female, identifying, appearing or living as a man.
• Transsexual (TS) -- A person who is changing their sex using hormones and surgery. Additional terms include:
• Pre-op Transsexual -- Indicates that SRS/GRS has not yet been performed.  
• Post-op Transsexual -- Indicates that SRS/GRS has been performed.
• Non-op Transsexual -- Indicates that SRS/GRS will not performed due to any number of reasons.

• Intersex -- People who were born with a problem with their genitals due to irregular chromosomes.  Often, surgery is required immediately after birth to prevent fatal complications.  Even though this term has been replaced in the medical community that describes the condition better.  Intersex should not be confused with gender identity. However, there may be gender identity issues with people who are intersex.

There are many other terms not listed here.  Facebook users can choose from 50+ different gender and sexual identities.  There isn't one term that I know of to describe all the people in all of the above definitions.  I have seen some people use "T*" or "Trans*" but I don't think these are used universally.

One thing I have found interesting about gender identity (not including Intersex) is that a person has flexibility in which term to use to describe themselves.  There is no blood test, x-ray, MRI, etc. to determine one's gender identity.  A person can use whatever term best fits how they see their gender identity.  Note that these terms are not rigid and restrictive.  A person may describe himself as a crossdresser, then maybe as transgender, and then maybe transsexual.  There is no defined path or progression between these terms.  Also, only one term, crossdress, can be used as a noun or a verb.  The other terms should not and cannot be used as a verb.

Many years ago, crossdressing or transvestism was illegal because society and the legal system linked it to homosexuality.  The predominate point-of-view was that the ONLY reason why a man would dress as a woman would be to attract a homosexual for sexual purposes.  Today, for the most part, gender identity (transgender) and gender presentation (crossdressing) has been unhooked from sexual identity (heterosexual/homosexual).  In my opinion, "transgender" is slowly replacing "transsexual" in order to remove any sexual connotation for changing one's gender.  

Finally, there has been a lot of controversy about gender identity questioning if it is a physical condition, mental condition, or none of the above.  This is a topic that will be discussed in another AMA post.

I'm Back! And Update...

I have not posted for the past few years due to several significant personal issues that took priority over everything else.  I now have some available time to start writing again.

Update:

My last post was written about three years ago.  I had just started a new, exciting relationship.  Unfortunately, my girlfriend had difficulty accepting my "lifestyle" and convinced me to stop crossdressing.  Since I was "in love", I foolishly agreed.  I say "foolish" because how many times have I stopped only to restart months or years later. However, instead of going "cold turkey", I tried phasing it out decreasing how often I crossdressed.

After a couple of years, my girlfriend made it very clear that my crossdressing was a deal breaker to our relationship.  So... I did what I have done a number of times in the past.  I took my activity "underground".  I rented a storage locker and moved all of my clothes and accessories to the locker.  I told my girlfriend that I had gotten rid of everything and she even came over to my house to inspect all of my closets.  

Fast forward about seven months.  I was going through a very difficult, stressful time in my life.  My girlfriend and I had significant issues and we were arguing daily.  Thank goodness I had removed all my clothes and had stopped for awhile, eliminating one major topic to fight about.  It was an easy decision to unhook from my girlfriend because all she did was increase the drama in my life. 

My other personal issues were resolved over the next few months making me free at last!  After what my last girlfriend put me through, there was no way I wanted to attempt another relationship any time soon.

I moved everything out of my storage locker bringing everything back to my home.  After unpacking and putting away everything, I started dressing again.  Since then, I have been living about 3/4 of the time as a woman.  I have no plans to go full-time for a variety of reasons, some of them medical.

My previous posts have focused on stopping crossdressing.  I had stopped for awhile but I found out that just because I stopped, the desire never went away. Not being in a relationship has given me the time and mental energy to take a deep dive into my past to figure out why I do what I do and why the desire never goes away.  I found many things and events I was not aware of growing up that had a significant impact.  I am still processing things because there is so much "junk" to go through.  I will expand upon my findings in future posts.  

I have been living part-time as a woman for about 15 months now and I have never been happier.  I am still burnt out by what my last girlfriend put me through so I am still not interested in starting a new relationship.  I have spent these past few months doing a lot of thinking and evaluating my life.  I discovered that one of the reasons why my past relationships don't work out is because I do not do a very good job of selecting people to be with.  I have decided that if I decide to jump back into the dating pool, it will be as Robyn.  I know that the CD/TG dating pool of women interested in meeting a CD/TG is VERY small.  I will discuss this topic in future posts.